I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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