I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
