I cockslap morals
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
