I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
