Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
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cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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