I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
