Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
