i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
