I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize