Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
