i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
