What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
