All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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