I can text with my tongue
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
