True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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