it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
