If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
