that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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