I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
