mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
