Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
