Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
