I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
