Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
