i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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