I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
