Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
