I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
