Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
