If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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