Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
