I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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