I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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