my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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