I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
