The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
