I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
