I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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