So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I wish there were birth control emojis
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
