Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
