i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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