My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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