he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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