I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
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he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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