...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Randomize
