She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
