I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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