your parents love me but you hate me
cat food counts as protein by the way
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
