one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
