Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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