I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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