Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
