Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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