There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
