if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize