playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
A+ Viking dick
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
