We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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