Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
