the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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