So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
